Recovering Good Girl

Today is Sunday… a day for rest, for community (including spiritual community), for fun… and for some of us–work. I live in Paradise–on the island of Maui, up in the clouds at 3,000 ft. elevation and it’s damn cold this morning. My little ohana (that word means family) cottage has no heating. So that means the inside is as cold as the outside–like around 50 degrees right now. (It will warm up to about 70 mid day, however).

And my Sunday is just like yours–a little of this, a little of that, including work. When you work for yourself, there is no “day off.” And you can also play in the middle of a week day too… There are definite pros and cons to anything. But what makes my place Paradise and not where you are? Nothing except my attitude. I used to live in Phoenix, where the summer temps averaged about 110 degrees for about three months. I was able to find Paradise there too, even though my heart and soul are happier in the tropics.

I’ve found that Paradise is all a matter of your perspective. I know people who live here in Hawaii, and find lots of things to complain about… and people in Arizona during the summers who are happy as clams. The only difference is their attitude, their perspective on their lives.

It’s true that when there are circumstances–illness of ourselves or our loved ones, most notably–when it’s hard to feel like having a positive attitude. And there are people who live in such denial that they act as if all is well and they’re happy when they are in pain inside. One may not be in Paradise 24/7/365. But hopefully it can be found much of the time! So how do you find Paradise in all of this?

It’s finding that happy medium… Finding the silver lining (often after a painful event), realizing there’s a Bigger Something out there (I use the word God) that is in control and that “this too shall pass.” The happy medium also includes dealing with whatever emotion is showing up… If you’re feeling angry, beat a tennis ball or your pillow. If you’re sad, cry. If you’re afraid, write out your worst “what if’s” and then ask that Bigger Something to help you find the answers. Lastly the happy medium means having the courage to make changes, to take risks to follow your heart and soul to wherever you need to go, and do whatever you need to do.

Your Sunday in Paradise is just waiting for you… Stay inside, go outside. Whatever you do doesn’t matter. Whatever you have (or don’t have) doesn’t matter. What matters is “who you be.” And in being what matters is your attitude and finding your own Paradise within. Happy Sunday!

It’s a new year and I thought I’d be back in the saddle again about writing a blog. That’s another wrong assumption. So, today, a new year, and a new start… with NO promises about how often I will do this. I don’t have to be a good girl and write it every day! Ah, that feels better already…

Today, while my hair was getting “done,” another woman, my hairdresser and I all had a discussion about good girls; bad girls, and the difference. Good girls give themselves away; do things to please others at the expense of themselves. Bad girls don’t give themselves away to others, but instead react by usually being contrary to what someone else wants them to do. The opposite of both of these polar extremes is what my friend calls “an awake girl.” When Betsy said that to me, I loved that word.

Yes, being awake is being aware of (and acting with) a healthy response to anything in life. I’m awake after more than fifty years of mostly being asleep. (I became more awake each year, thank God!) Are you awake or asleep? Do you give yourself away because “it’s the right thing to do,” or you “don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings,” or “they’re relying on me,” or… or … or… The list goes on. What excuse are you using for co-dependent behavior? And more importantly, what can you do to become awake in whatever way you can? How can I help support you in doing so?

It’s a new year, and I propose it’s time to wake up and be more empowered in every aspect of your life. Exciting to think about that, isn’t it? It can be done. It just takes courage, and I know you already have that. It’s God-given; we just have to dig it up, clean it off, and show it off… What a way to start the year!

I JUST started writing the sequel to Recovering Good Girl yesterday, the tentative title is A Year in the Clouds. The title refers to the fact that I literally live in the clouds. Everyone thinks one moves to Maui and lives on or near the beach… Wrong! I’m living at 3,000 ft. elevation on the side of the dormant volcano, Haleakala. When I moved here last February, it was colder than I imagined in the mornings and evenings. I was living in sweats for most of the day (and still do).

Even though Recovering Good Girl isn’t published yet, the new book wanted to be birthed. My book coach, Tom Bird, gave me instructions that will help me get back in the saddle again. Other than short pieces like this blog, I haven’t written anything creative in almost a year…

I know it’s just like riding a bicycle, or a horse. When you fall off, you must get back on and get over the fear to ride again. And it’s the same with this blog. I started being a regular writer last September. That lasted a month… Now I’m back in the saddle again again again…

How regular will I be until I start working with another Tom (Antion) who I’ve signed up to be my mentor on internet marketing? I don’t know. Next January, just around the corner, things will change and I will be learning how to market my talents, services, books, and artwork, on the web. Exciting, but a bit scary. Can I do it? Will I succeed? Just like getting back in the saddle again; the same questions surface no matter what it seems. Life long questions to be explored at times in our lives…

I’m back in the saddle again. I hope you are too.

What distractions are getting in the way of you doing your life’s purpose? I am good at letting all kinds of distractions affect me… most importantly, my relationships–of all kinds, though the intimate relationship is the most distracting of all. I let my sweetheart invade my space and I move out somewhere else. Today, I am reclaiming my space; today I’m holding off the distractions and beginning (again) to focus on the things that need to be done in the writing/editing of my memoir.

Good girls let their significant others–partners, children, bosses, even colleagues–distract them from what they need and want to do. Recovering good girls are at least aware of this and do their best to keep focused on what is in their highest good… the highest good for themselves, not the others around them.

The reason my book title is Recovering Good Girl, is that like any addiction, pleasing others at the distraction of our own needs, is something that must be recovered daily, every minute, every hour. No one is ever completely recovered. Oh yes, you’ll get better and better at reclaiming yourself, as have I. And, at the same time, there will always be challenges to your stance.

You think you’ve recovered, only to find the little nuances of life distracting you from your course. This is insidious and you must be vigilant about your recovery. Yes, like me, you’ll fall off your horse from time to time, but it’s the getting back on it again that’s important! May we all ride our horses beautifully off into the sunset.

It’s raining outside, but the rest of Maui (or most of it) is sunny and warm. It’s always cooler in Kula, they say, and as I’ve written before I live in a cloud. Right now it’s raining in this cloud… and it’s expressing my own tears… My tears are for the spam I’ve been receiving in response to my first entry. It comes from the same Russian guy. (I guess it could be a gal, but his supposed email address is bob@gmail.com. But the other address that I can decipher between all the Russian alphabet is something that says “.ru” I know that means Russia.

Why would anyone create spam to an unknown person? I don’t like, but I understand spam that is attempting to sell something, but why does someone just press a button to create spam for no meaning at all? Doesn’t he/she have anything better to do with their time?

I am tired from pressing “spam” as a moderator of this site too. I know I have better things to do with my time. Can someone out there help me? I’ve emailed my webhost, and am awaiting a real answer. But it’s now about ten days of constant annoyance. What am I to learn from this?

“To allow the rain to come and stop the sun, temporarily. To allow the spam to come, temporarily. All will be restored. Keep hope and faith alive. Live with your hopes and dreams and positivity in the forefront. Don’t let the dark times trodden you down completely. You need to allow the rain, the tears, the shadow-stuff of life to be present and again the sun will shine. Breathe Suzy. All continues to be well.”

Those words are in quotes because they were coming through me, not of my mind. Sounds good to me. Now I’m about to go dance in the rain and allow the darkness and allow the spam. All is well in my world!

I turned over a new leaf this last Labor Day; one week ago today. I decided I needed to keep things simple, do less, sleep and relax more, and to attempt to live life slower and less stressed. So far, so good! And it’s not been that simple either.

Of course, when we make declarations, the Universe steps in to challenge us to keep to our word. I said that and had two out-of-state visitors on different days last week. I would normally drive all over the island (which to outsiders may not seem like much, but from where I live to the west end, where one was staying is a good 1-1.5 hours. The other visitor was about 45 min. away. And I had work to do on my manuscript.

A good girl–not recovered–would have said, “Oh yes. I want to see you. Sure, I’ll drive over your way.” I said the first part; that I wanted to see them (which I did), but I mentioned that I needed to stay “up-country.” I truly didn’t have the time to be driving all over the place. Plus, this last month taught me that I must slow down otherwise I could get a migraine.

My dear friends met me half-way, or closer to my haven. I had a wonderful visit with both, and got to try my favorite restaurant at lunch-time. (I’d only been there for dinner and lunch was just as delicious. Okay, for those of you who are like me and now want to know what the restaurant it is, it’s Hali’imaile General Store!)

I feel virtuous and keep hopin’ and prayin’ that I can keep these good boundaries by keeping my life simpler and slower. Have you ever wanted to slow down? What’s stopping you? I used to think that I couldn’t do this, and now I recognize that I can… and I am. Hallelujah!

With Mercury in retrograde, it’s no surprise that I wrote half an entry and then needed to check out a previous entry and forgot to save what I’d written… Oh well, here I go again.

Yesterday I talked about goals and visions. Today seems to be an extension of that, and a veering off on a tangent also… Think about that word: DEADlines. That would scare anyone just looking at the first four letters. We need limits; times when something must be completed or received. Otherwise, there would be pure chaos. But what about the self-imposed deadlines? That’s my concern.

As one who can do that and cause unnecessary stress on myself, I worry that we (especially good girls, or those recovering) make many deadlines for ourselves when there is no need. All that it accomplishes is anxiety, worry, frustration or generalized tension.

Whatever we can do to eliminate undue stress is a good thing. I’m finding that I need to move slower. I can’t do as many things in a day as I used to. I have to learn how to say ‘no’ even when I like doing something IF it’s adding to my already busy day.

Adding a deadline when it isn’t needed does the same thing as saying ‘yes’ too often! Both wear us out–not just those of us with ‘mature’ (older) bodies, but everyone else too. If I’d learned not to create unnecessary deadlines and say ‘no’ more often in my younger years, I’d not only have lived a happier life, I’d also have better functioning adrenal glands. Those get shot when you are living under constant stress…

What deadlines do you have that are self-imposed; that are adding stress to your life when being in the flow, enjoying life is what is most important? Now, what can you do to eliminate them? Smell the freesias, roses, and all the other fragrances of life. It’s way too short otherwise!

I have been working with an amazing book coach (or literary mid-wife, as he calls himself). Today in our mastermind group, we worked on goals for the next three months. I like that length of time. Making a goal for any longer and setting a time frame for it (in my experience) only causes disappointments.

That’s what visions are… the long term dreams. Make a vision board (which I’ve been doing for twenty years now) for those long-term things. (I actually do them yearly–during most years–for what I want the year to bring to me). Then create shorter term goals with a time line attached.

I was forty(!) the first time I ever heard about goals. Oh yes, I wanted to be the best wife, teacher, whatever. But I never had detailed goals before then. (Okay, now you understand why I say I’m a late bloomer!) Then I went crazy. I had goals for everything… and that’s when I came to find out that creating a time line for something far off in the future just didn’t work for me.

As a recovering good girl, a recovering perfectionist, not achieving a goal used to make me feel “less than,” or “not good enough.” Now I choose to do things that support my positive self-esteem, not create a new critic inside my head. Of course, now I also don’t take things like this personally either. I know I’ve done the best I can do and it simply is what it is.

So dream big. Make your vision boards. Then create a shorter term goal list… and don’t do what I say just because I’m saying this. Do what seems right to you. As a recovering good girl, it’s important to acknowledge your own intuition in knowing what’s right for you.

What will you aim toward today?

I’m back home on Maui… yeah! I can’t remember the last time I was this happy to be home. I’m a die-hard traveler. I love it, no matter where I go. (Okay, that may be a bit of an overstatement, but in general, I’ve always loved exploring someplace new or visiting loved ones in other places). These days I just want to be on “my” mountain, on “my” island, and BE.

So, I’m beginning anew. I’m starting over to take care of myself; to move more slowly; to pause, nap, smell the fragrances of life. I’m going to move forward in bits and pieces and in long stretches of time, whatever my body/mind/heart/soul seems to want.

At the Hawaii Writer’s Conference this last weekend, where I was volunteering, I was blessed to work with SARK, the creative best selling author/artist of dozens of books. I’ve read/used many, but just bought Wild Succulent Woman, at SARK’s suggestion, after telling her the title of my upcoming memoir, Recovering Good Girl. She said there was a poem in there that was perfect. I can’t wait to read it.

In the meantime, she taught the audience a technique she discovered, which she calls “Micro-Movement Wheel of Delight.” It’s an alternative to lists that: 1) allows one to only do something for 5 sec. to 5 min. (and continue if they wish), and 2) make something fun, instead of boring, hard, or a grind.

I love her approach, and will begin anew with her ideas in mind. I will do short spurts or long hauls, as long as I’m able and enjoying what I’m doing. What are you ready to begin anew with today?

Oh yes, an exciting PS: SARK loved my artwork! You’ll see a quote on my art website as soon as it’s complete…

I have had a very intense month, which will continue for a few more days until I get home (again). I am beyond exhausted and I have to “hold it together” until I finish volunteering at the Hawaii Writers’ Conference Sunday night. What I know that is important is this: When I’m exhausted (or angry, famished, sleep deprived, frustrated, or emotionally not centered in any way), it colors everything.

When you are in one of the above states, it’s not the best time to discuss issues–with partners, colleagues, bosses, children, anyone. I am most definitely a “glass full” (not even half-full) person, but you can’t always tell when my brain or body are yelling at me. Gratefully, if I’m asked how I am, I can state the truth “exhausted,” but I can also add, “but my life is really wonderful.” I know that what I’m experiencing is temporary and that in the big picture, it doesn’t mean my life sucks (even if I want to pull my hair out in the moment)!

This is the challenge for every good girl… to tell the truth about what’s going on with them, no matter what it is… and to be able to step back from any issue enough to know that it’s a passing thing and life will get back on kilter again. Someday. Hopefully soon.

We’ve got to be real, to tell our truths, and, at the same time, to keep the optimism that most good girls possess. (After all, that optimism is what came from our repression and denial of the dark sides of our lives). Be truthful today about whatever life is bringing you this moment. And realize, should you be under a dark cloud, that the sun will shine again–for real–not just because you’ve pretended that all is well.